my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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