I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
