saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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