I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
