my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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