I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize