I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
