four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
