It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
