she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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