My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
