Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize