i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
