i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize