I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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