I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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