Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
