Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
