so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
