I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
