do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize