u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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