when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
