so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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