The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's never too late to be topless.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
