my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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