Don't you send me to vm
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
