my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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