you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
