I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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