so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
