literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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