pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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