If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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