i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
