WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
