I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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