I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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