I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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