I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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