It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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