i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
