my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
