the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
