Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My pussy is not your playground.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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