i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
