He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
