you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
