Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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