1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
