dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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