My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
