So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
