My sheets look like a crime scene.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
