the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
