My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
