I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
