I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize