Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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