I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
