$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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