In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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