I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
